News of the World

Posted byjimmcgarrahPosted inLiterary

All the News That’s Fit to Print, 2023

(As we go sliding, sliding, sliding, sliding, sliding, sliding….

The Song Remains the Same – Led Zeppelin )

Page 1. Headlines

Suspect arrested in connection with brutal murder of four students

Overlooked sci-fi movies worth checking out

Sailors stumble on ghost ship in Atlantic Ocean

Hunter Biden fathers child by stripper

Trump claims looking at his tax returns will harm many people

Dionne Warwick wants to meet Elon Musk

How to survive a collapsing sand dune

Where do Prince Harry and Megan get their money

Andrew Tate arrested thanks to pizza box

Low fat diet available for dogs

The truth about phlegm

Kevin solves the bonus round on Wheel of Fortune

We must save the Atlantic Right whale to save ourselves

Growing antisemitism in workplace growing

Russian officials throw tantrum when U.S diplomats call Putin a “small person”

Insurrection in Brazil

Page 2. News of Interest

At a rehab camp for alcoholics in the Catskill Mountains,

a man claiming to be the U.N. ambassador from Poland

speaks in unknown tongues to an apple tree as he brushes

the sleeves of his navy peacoat. His face as gray as the sky.

At precisely the same hour of day near a dense forest

in Germany a man lay dying in his truck

shot to death in an apparent hunting accident as his dog

sitting beside him kicked the shotgun by chance.

No animals were hurt in the incident.

Page 3. Religious Notes

The broken window is also an open one,

and the world appears in the same frame.

What we define as sin feels like salvation.

A cup leaves a circle of spilled coffee each time

the cup is lifted. The circle remains whole

only so long as the cup is in the air.  

Be careful. The first beer can slip into the last call.

Page 4. Household Hints

Follow this step-by-step guide and clean your house efficiently and fast:

Clean the whole house, not one room at time (requires omnipresence)

Pick one task and do it in every room in the house to fool people

into thinking you’ve done it all.

  • Gather all your cleaning tools in a caddy, but not like the blonde caddy

      your husband is putting his tool in while pretending to play golf.

  • Clear the clutter. Go room to room and remove any children.
  • Dust and vacuum with your nose any cocaine left over from your last orgy.
  • Wipe mirrors and glass with one damp microfiber cloth followed

by one dry cloth, preferably while naked.

  • Disinfect countertops and surface areas, particularly the ones

that might deliver germs left over from rough sex with pool boy.

  • Focus on tubs, sinks and toilets. Only you know why.
  • Sweep the kitchen and bathroom floors. Start mopping

from the farthest corner of the room and move backwards

towards the doorway to destroy evidence of spilled wine and semen.

Keep moving when you vacuum. Only a dumb ass would stand still.

Make cleaning a group activity (refer to orgy).

Page 5. Sports

World Gravy Wrestling Championship where men, women and children wrestle in meat juice

held in UK (interview with winner to follow after dogs finish licking him)

           Page 6. Cartoons

Daily sessions of Congress

Drugs for Hypochondriacs

Fast food careers for PhD’s

Joel Osteen loves poor people

Forrest Gump, President

The American Dream

            Page 7. Editorial

The editors wish to commend scientists who have discovered

the virus that may soon end the world. The virus,

given the name “beinghumanitis” by a research group made up

from geniuses in the fields of sociology, anthropology, virology,

biology, ecology, psychology, phrenology, epistemology,

cosmology, geology, and most importantly, mixology

appears to have started in a garden and is well known

by its symptoms, sometimes benign but almost always

self-serving.

Published by jimmcgarrah

Every single person on this planet is unique in many ways and yet, most people consider themselves normal (i.e. conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected). This dichotomy is how good writing works. It contains uniqueness in the characters or narrator and a normal progression of ideas in themes. Thus, a story will be appealing if it has unique specificity in a normalized world of some kind and that creates a universal connection between writer and reader. This symbiotic connection as an oxymoron, normal uniqueness, has always fascinated me, not only on the page but more importantly, in life. Over the past twenty years I have written a dozen books. None have made me famous or rich, but I am proud of the work. It has been published by respectable literary and university presses. My editors have been talented and conscientious and brought the best of what I do to the page. But publishing is not all of my writing life. I have long wanted a private space where I could more fully express this exploration between individuality and society normalcy without regard to the business of writing, the correction of images, the political implication of phrases, and while considering there might be an audience to some of what is written, not worrying about whether it would sell. Therefore, I give you my very first and likely last, public blog. It will explore whatever I feel like exploring at a given time in whatever form I choose—maybe a poem, maybe an essay, maybe a story, or possibly a simple “fuck you” to the world. Read at your own peril and comment whenever you want. I encourage dialogue as a learning tool for writer and reader alike. I do not expect agreement with all my ideas. That would eliminate the entire uniqueness side of my inquiry. This is a free space for us all.

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